Compassionate Failure

I haven't done much running since that 10K on the 10th. In fact, I haven't done much of anything. A few runs here and there, but the dramatic drop in mileage lately has me feeling like a spectacular failure. And running isn't the only thing that's felt wobbly these past few weeks.

Every nutritional faux pas has left me with an unhealthy dose of self-loathing. When relationships faltered, I fell into the seductive trap of self-doubt. "What's wrong with me? I never get it right." The DVD of Elizabeth: The Golden Age that has been sitting on my TV for almost two months is all the proof I need that I even fail at NetFlix. (Seriously, it's been sitting, untouched, for seven weeks. It's practically mocking me.)

I just can't seem to drag myself out of this slump no matter how hard I struggle. But therein lies the catch of all this negative thinking and self-judging: The more energy I spend telling myself that I'm no good at running or life or remembering to tape the latest episode of [embarrassing guilty-pleasure TV show omitted], the less energy I have to nurture and care for myself. And isn't that the goal in the first place?

Don't Beat Yourself Up

Zen teacher Cheri Huber has written and talked a lot about acceptance over the years. Turns out all that vicious condemnation that we dole out on ourselves doesn't accomplish a hill of beans when it comes to making lasting change and progress.

And this shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's dealt with the cruel internal taskmaster: "Why can't you do anything right?" "You failed again. Why do you even bother?" "It's pointless. You can't do anything right." And yet, as exhausting and defeating as it is to wrestle with these thought patterns, we often let these ideas rot in our minds -- rather than, say, accepting and embracing ourselves as we are right now. Perhaps we're afraid that acceptance will equal complacence. As Huber said in a 2003 article:

"They'll be frustrated and exhausted from the effort of beating themselves up. They'll openly acknowledge that whatever they've been doing isn't working, but still they'll insist that the whole idea of acceptance is inherently dangerous to their progress."

So how do we stop the self-flagellation and get to a place where we feel whole, centered, energized and at peace?

"Acceptance," Huber explains, "is not saying, 'Hey, this is the way it is, and the way it will be forever, period.' It's more like saying, 'I love you just the way you are, and I'll help you be any way you want to be.' "Once we get to a quiet and more compassionate place with ourselves, it's amazing what we can discover," says Huber. Best of all, once you develop habits of nonjudging observation, you can put them to work proactively. "Rather than madly processing and reacting, we can use acceptance to stop all the noise and self-loathing midstream."

You can read more about the process in the article quoted above, but what it boils down to is challenging ourselves not to accept the lies and self-doubt that can so easily become a formative part of our lexicon.

I'm truly amazed at the sheer volume of negative thoughts that can crop up in my mind throughout the day. If you don't believe me, try being conscious of how you communicate with yourself for just 10 minutes. If you're anything like me, you'll forget to be conscious after a couple of minutes, then -- upon remembering that you forgot -- proceed to tell yourself that you are "really bad at being conscious." Good thing the goal here is not to be perfect. It's simply, as Huber says, "nonjudging observation."

Learning to Accept

Fortunately, there are some relatively simple and effective ways to cultivate a gentler and more gracious mindset toward ourselves:

1. Cultivate an attitude of gratitude. Actively work to think about what you are grateful for, and spend time vocalizing those feelings. You can start small by making a list every evening of five things that blessed you that day. Learn more in "Get Grateful."

2. Get outside of yourself. While periods of disappointment and failure may make us want to isolate or mope, one of the best ways to break away from nagging self-scorn is by doing something that gets you away from your self for a while -- and puts you inescapably in the present. Exercise to be totally present in your body. Volunteer or listen to a friend to help you feel connected. Lose yourself in a creative task (sock puppets anyone?). Try these tips for doing acts of kindness.

3. Ask yourself, "Is that really true." When you've missed a goal and find your mind veering toward "You never do anything right" territory, it can help to write down any negative thoughts you have and challenge them. Find concrete examples to prove yourself wrong. Byron Katie's The Work method is a great place to start.

4. Spend time in nature. A good, long walk works wonders.

5. Don't go it alone. Again, while it's tempting to isolate, reaching out to a friend can help distill misguided feelings of failure and provides a support network.

6. Give yourself a break. Sometimes the best way to move forward is to give up and stop fighting. This doesn't mean you'll never change or progress. Rather, it's you giving yourself grace just to be who you are -- setbacks, struggles, contradictions and all. You know, human.

I'm feeling particularly human these days, and you know what? That's OK. It's fantastic, even, because without the hairpin turns and ambiguity and adventures life wouldn't be nearly as interesting. Just writing that boosts my spirits. So much so, in fact, that I think I might actually watch that dusty movie tonight. Or maybe not... (and that's OK, too).