Just Cindy

The beginning of a new year is traditionally a time when people make a list of resolutions so they can get a fresh start at changing their lives for the better: Losing weight, signing up for classes, organizing their belongings -- the list goes on.

This year, instead of making my goals impossible to reach by trying to live up to an ideal (something I am not), I am getting real about who I am and what I want.

I will not, for instance, eliminate all the "fun" foods from my diet, so a resolution to never eat pizza again is unrealistic -- and definitely not what I want. Aerobics? I have never been crazy about running; it's just not my cup of tea. So instead of starting to jog three times a week, I'm making a commitment to find an aerobic workout that I know I will enjoy and want to do.

"Getting Real" is about loving myself. Loving myself is not about acceptance, compromise, or about acquiescing to my limitations. It's about finding myself perfect, just as I am. What I used to think were my imperfections, I now see as perfections:

Imperfection: I took three guitar lessons, practiced twice and quit. After some ballet lessons, I quit after making a mistake at a recital. I felt like a loser, a quitter and a failure.

Perfection: I did those things for as long as they were interesting, trying many things until I found what I wanted. I didn't waste time, sticking with something that didn't fulfill me. I have a wide variety of experiences, and had more time to do what I finally found fulfilling.

Imperfection: I could never stick to a diet for more than two weeks. I was continuously trying new ones. I judged myself as having no discipline or willpower.

Perfection: Trying every new diet and health regimen became my lifelong study in nutrition and health. I used my own body as a laboratory and found out  what really works.

Imperfection:  I have stiff joints. I would never be able to do yoga properly. I was not made right.

Perfection: I learned my joints are very strong, allowing me to become flexible without injury. It allowed me to learn quickly that yoga is not about the goals of the ego: The final posture is not what is important, but how well you do each stage of it.

Imperfection: I was a controlling person, wanting to do things in a very particular way. I thought of myself as a control freak and persnickity.

Perfection: I am very discriminating and capable. I trust my judgment and know what I want.

Imperfection: I would start talking and go on (and on) without a breath. I judged myself as tiring and long winded.

Perfection: I have spent my life practicing to be more articulate by conversing with friends and family that loved me enough to put up with it. I have many ideas I am passionate about and want to share.

Imperfection: I am overly excitable, uneasy and wired, which is very wrong.

Perfection: I am very enthusiastic and passionate. I bring life to the party, energy to projects and inspiration to others.

All of these add up to making me perfectly unique. I am not buying the advertising message that I will be right once I own that thing, make that goal, or accumulate that wealth. I am perfect just as I am.

As we move further into the New Year, I will continue to go for what I want and what I like. I have learned that if I honor my own unique desires, I will always have gratitude and appreciation for my life, and the abundance to share my happiness with others.

And that is real fulfillment.

It was 1969. I was 18. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (the famed spiritual guru who brought Transcendental Meditation to the United States) was in town. My girlfriend had just gotten initiated at the Transcendental Meditation Center. They gave her a special, sacred word/sound to repeat silently during her meditation. She was told never to speak it out loud. She didn't even tell me, her best friend! I knew, then, I had to get one of my own.

When I arrived at the meditation center, I was asked to wait in a candlelit room. The scent of incense was in the air. I heard soft footsteps just outside the door. A young woman came in and asked me to place the flowers I was asked to bring on an altar next to a photograph of the Maharishi. He had a subtle smile and a little glint of mischievousness in his eyes. I liked him immediately.

The woman sat quietly with her eyes closed. When she finished, she leaned over and whispered into my ear. That was it. I now had my very own mantra.

A few months later, I went to a group meditation with my friend. We entered a large room. The only sound was the whisper of fabric and bare feet on the floor as each of us found a spot and sat down.

I closed my eyes and settled in, preparing myself for the 20-minute meditation. Each of us was to recite our mantras silently for the duration.

I pictured my friend sitting next to me, smiling. It made me giggle. When she heard me, she started to giggle, too. I knew we were in trouble.

I focused on my mantra to try and stop the sensation rising in my body. The energy between us was growing. The more I tried to hold it in, the harder it was to control.

Suddenly, a loud guffaw shot out of my mouth. I was horrified. I tried deep breathing to slow it all down, but there was no stopping it. Another surge of energy rose and another wave of laughter poured out of us. We surrendered in unison and just laughed and laughed. I felt the tears flowing down my face as my whole body convulsed and shook uncontrollably.

When we finally quieted down, I noticed all the tension had left my body. I fell into a deep state of relaxation. Now, with a quiet mind and still body, I was free to wander the Universe. I could have sat there all night long.

When we got up to leave, the others glared at us. I could see they were displeased. I gave a silent apology and, grabbing my friend, rushed out into the cool air.

I was rested. I was relaxed. I was free!

I later found out the Maharishi himself would get the giggles from time to time during his own meditation. (I knew there was something I liked about him!)

I also learned that laughter is one of the all-time best stress relievers around. It calms the mind, heals the body and lifts the spirit in ways virtually no other relaxation approach can.

So my advice is this: If you have an opportunity to laugh -- or better yet, laugh uncontrollably -- embrace it! And if you'd like more opportunities to laugh, by all means go in search of them. My guess is that you'll start finding giggles in places that surprise you.

For more on the benefits of laughter in meditation and yoga, check out these videos:





"God and I have become like two giant fat people living in a tiny boat. We keep bumping into each other and laughing." --Hafiz

Me and my house mates: Bruce, Tara and Willie

In my last blog, I wrote about making pleasure a life priority. Pleasurable living -- and living at my full potential -- is what group living is all about for me, so that's what I'm choosing to write about this month. And since it touches on the theme of inspired family, too, I figure I'm covering September's theme as well!

Cohabitation has to be the most rewarding and challenging thing I've ever done.

Living with (or in close proximity) to a varied group of others has been a wonderful source of fun, adventure, comfort and satisfaction for me. Sharing meals, household projects, relationship issues, raising children, or whatever anyone and everyone is up to, has been nourishing and gratifying to my mind, body and spirit.

Living with others also pushes me to make the choice of reacting or responding to my fellow housemates. To have my life be the most gratifying, I must behave with maturity and responsibility.

When I first considered living with others, it was born out of my sheer enthusiasm for company. I wanted to share my whole life with my friends and family. I was not satisfied with occasional get-togethers. I wanted to relate on a daily basis with those I loved.

In the early '70s, there was a trend among the baby boomers to bring back group living (which was the way people had lived for most of human history) through hippy communes, a number of which quickly sprang up throughout the country -- and many of which disappeared just as quickly.

I experimented with a group of friends, who basically crashed at my house one night, and never left. We were young, inexperienced, and it all fell apart within four months.

In the late '90s, after raising kids, starting a career and traveling the world, I found myself wondering about group living once again. I decided to move into a pre-existing, intentional group-living community for a while to learn some of what they knew about successful and pleasurable living throughout their 40 years of living together. I then applied my new awareness and skills to my own household of friends and family.

When I tell folks about how inspiring group living has been for me, most of them respond with questions like these:
 

• How does everyone in the group get along with each other?
• How do you make decisions about chores, finances and other responsibilities?
• How do you get your desires and needs met without being squelched by the majority?
• How do you get quiet and solitude?

And then I usually hear them mumble something under their breath about how they would never be able to live in a group. The skills of living well with others are simply not something most of us have ever been taught.

There is no question that the dynamics of pleasurable group living requires practice and sensitivity.

I boil it down to four main ingredients (which I've oversimplified here, and which I'll probably write more about in future blogs):
 

1. Practicing good communication and lots of it;
2. Knowing there is no way to win when your friends or loved ones are losing -- that any decision that affects the group is strictly a win-win or lose-lose situation;
3. Continually reminding ourselves and each other that caring about one another is valued above all else; and
4. Last but not least, everyone practicing charity as a way of reminding ourselves how good our lives are

When these things are considered top priority by all involved, group living can fulfill our desire for connection, relating with others regularly and knowing we are a vital part of something bigger than ourselves.

Can you imagine a situation in which your opinion, desires and needs are considered so completely that compromise, for you or anyone in the group, would be unacceptable?

Can you imagine the only way the whole group could be happy would be if each person were getting everything they wanted? Can you imagine everyone being in total agreement before any newly proposed idea goes into action?

This is possible. I would not have believed it if I had not witnessed it and practiced it.

I believe humans are wired for community living. As noted, history shows us we are tribal/herding creatures at heart. And there is certainly more to human life than mere existence. A group can handle many of our deepest needs. Sharing our creative energy calls us to action we may never practice while living alone.

Living in a group -- with people ranging in age, taste and desire -- creates a rich pool of resources far beyond what we might create on our own.

Our 21st century lifestyles have led us far from the extended family households in prewar times. With today's changing social, economic and demographic conditions, blended and extended family households are becoming far more common again. Out of economic need, we are rediscovering the social, psychological and emotional value of group living.

Remember, a group is two or more people, so even if you aren't living in a group situation now, at some point you probably will be. And even if you don't, keep in mind that in any group situation (from work to neighborhood communities), we can practice paying attention to each other, communicating more and valuing each other's happiness.

In my mind, there's no better way to bring out the best potential in each of us.

In keeping with Experience Life 's "fun" theme this month, I'm inspired to write about my introduction to the idea of living life according to what brings me pleasure.

As a young adult, I was focused on survival: creating a career, developing skills, educating myself and raising children. Once my kids were on their own, my career was established, and I had a foundation of knowledge under my belt, I finally had time to put more attention on myself. Ah! The rewards of time passing were starting to pay off. I started consciously investing in my own happiness and quality of life. I found some great teachers and coaches who inspired me to start looking at things from different perspectives, and I was ready to experiment with new ways of living.

In 1995, I was asked by one of my teachers, "How about making fun the goal?" My response: "Sure, that sounds great!"

In truth, it actually sounded frivolous and irresponsible at first, but it was also very compelling. It certainly didn't seem like a challenge -- at least not while on vacation, a Friday night out or a weekend in the country. Those are the times I expect to have fun. But to live my whole life according to what's fun? That was quite a new concept.

I walked away with many questions: How would I accomplish anything? What about all the necessary things that have to get done? What about my commitments? Would I be wasting my life away living a lifestyle of fun?

And what about those tapes running in my head: "Keep your nose to the grind stone; no worky/no eaty; earn your reward"? Yes, the old American work ethic, the curse of the baby boomer. We may be revolutionaries, always rebelling against the status quo, but our social conditioning runs deep and has a very strong hold. Somehow this idea of living according to what was fun just didn't seem, well, right!

I continued contemplating this idea and realized that to have fun, I had to get invested in really thinking about what pleasured me. As I allowed myriad ideas to flash through my mind, I started to relax and enjoy myself. Just thinking about what would be fun and pleasurable was fun and pleasurable!

The next morning, I woke up asking myself what would create an amusing and delightful day. My mind drifted into a lovely scenario: a leisurely bath accompanied by my morning tea; a lunch date at a garden restaurant in the city; a walk in the park; planting spring flowers; and reading a celebrity gossip magazine while getting a pedicure.

"Am I dreaming?" I thought. "I have responsibilities, deadlines, errands, commitments and obligations! All those must-dos." OK, now this was becoming a serious challenge.

I proceeded to write a list of all those things that seemed so necessary -- and then, methodically, one by one, I eliminated them. When I boiled it down to what was truly essential, I had cleared the entire day!

By early evening, after my day of fun, I had more energy and enthusiasm for things on that "necessary" list that I surprisingly wanted to do.

Making pleasure my goal had eliminated the pressure of obligation, while doing what brought me pleasure shifted my approach. Instead of functioning from a place oriented in success and production, I discovered that with fun as the goal, I went about my business with a positive spirit and attitude. I was starting to get the hang of it!

I also discovered that, sometimes, it's simply a matter of making what I already have going on more fun. One day, for instance, I had to go to my storage locker to go through my belongings. My "pleasure coach" suggested I bring a friend, and my first thought was it that would be too distracting and make this chore I was resisting take much longer. At my coach's insistence, I reluctantly asked a friend to come along.

I was pleasantly surprised that the time flew by as we laughed and cried over our shared stories triggered by the collection of things I was organizing. The experience brought us closer together and made what could have been work, FUN! It turned a chore into a party.

Looking up fun in the dictionary led me to the description of hedonism, which dissolved my misconception that it was evil and something to fear:

Hedonism |ˈhēdnˌizəm| noun: the pursuit of pleasure; sensual self-indulgence; the ethical theory that pleasure (in the sense of the satisfaction of desires) is the highest good and proper aim of human life.

It feels good to be around people who are happy, gratified and content. I find if I go for what pleasures me, I am happier overall. Those endorphins and dopamine make you feel good, and those goodies come from doing what is fun and pleasurable. (See Experience Life's article, "A Real Pleasure," for more on this.)

If you're wondering how to jump-start your move toward living a more pleasure-oriented life, here are some suggestions.

• Experiment. The best way to start is to appreciate and enjoy what you already have. Allow yourself to fully take in the pleasure. Trust you will get the rewards (energy, enthusiasm, clarity) from doing so. As an unknown author once said, "It's a far, far better thing to have the ability to enjoy what you have than have the ability to get what you want."
• Slow down. At high speed, you miss so much of what is available to you. If you're a chronic rusher, you may also need to slow down enough to ever know what feels appealing to you.
• Breathe. Taking a few deep breaths will help you calm down and think more clearly.
• Notice what's around you to enjoy. Often, there's something interesting or beautiful or fun going on right under our noses.
• Tune into your senses, all five of them. Soak in the sensual pleasures and opportunities life has to offer.
• Make a point of creating an environment that is pleasing to each of your senses. At home, at work or wherever you spend time, look for ways to add comfort, beauty and reminders of the things you love and value and that make you feel good.

Here are some ways I have brought more pleasure into my daily life, keeping the five senses in mind:

• Touch: Choosing fabrics for my clothes, my bedding and my bathroom linens that feel good to my skin.
• Sight: Stopping during the day to notice the sky and the quality of light around me.
• Taste: Taking a breath and closing my eyes as I take the first bite of a meal.
• Sound: Listening to music while I am housecleaning.
• Smell: Burning scented candles, putting incense in my drawers, and making sure I have fresh air flowing through the house.

These are not revolutionary ideas, but once you start, it creates a domino effect for more and more pleasure to come into your life like magic. It's so common to rush through the day, week, month, even the year, trying to get to the fun, when all the while you could have the fun that's already here to have.

As one of my favorite sayings goes: "If you go for success, pleasure is 50/50. If you go for pleasure, success is guaranteed!" -Vic Baranco, "Things I've Heard Vic Say"

Hi there! In this, my first blog, I'd like to share a little about myself and how I ended up doing this blog for Experience Life magazine.

I was on the cover of Experience Life twice. The first time was for the Power Aging issue in July/August of 2004. I was 54 at that time. The second cover was for their "Best Of" issue about a year and a half later (December 2005).

For that first cover shoot in 2004, I flew out and met Pilar Gerasimo, Experience Life's editor in chief, at the Minneapolis airport. By the time we got to the location for the photo shoot I had fallen in love with her and what she told me about the magazine.

I thought, "Wow, finally a health magazine with integrity! A magazine willing to do the research and really test what they were reporting."

Of course, I was also delighted that they were acknowledging the whole concept of power aging, and giving baby boomers some visibility in their pages.

The boomer generation -- my generation -- is 76 million strong. That is a huge audience. And certainly a large percentage of people in our generation are living lives very different from the previous generation. We have pioneered the way to new health and vitality, among other things -- embracing natural foods and exercise, seeing the mind-body connection, and more.

From our teens through our so-called old age, we boomers have redefined every decade of our lives. Never accepting the status quo, we have been rebelling, inventing and reinventing our lifestyles, discovering new and better ways to keep both our physical and spiritual vitality. We are running marathons, teaching yoga, going back to school. You name it, we're doing it!

We're certainly not letting any idea of age hold us back from doing what we want.

The experience I've had at this time in my own life has been very different from what society has presented as a model of "normal" aging. The message most of us have received throughout our lives indicates that "old" is something negative -- something ugly, unpleasant and to be avoided.

The word "old" is practically synonymous with tired, sick, bored, cranky, close-minded. But the truth is, "old" just means you've been around more years. Simply that.

Society illustrates life in a graph with an upward line during our youth, stopping at a peak and then falling in a sharp downward motion until death. No wonder people have such a negative viewpoint about being over 30! And with advertising continually selling youth, youth, youth, we have no indication of what the real possibilities are.

My experience of aging has been so much better and more rewarding than what I was led to expect. As I've aged, my life has become more interesting, more exciting and richer in experiences. My life graph seems to just keep expanding outward to encompass more and more. I have more knowledge, more curiosity, more health, and more strength and vitality than ever!

So I think it's time to redefine what aging is all about. If we choose, we can make "old" translate as wise, mature, sexy, vital, energetic and discerning.

I am 58 1/2 years old, and for me, life has never been better. I've been working as a model since I was 49, an age at which most models have long abandoned their careers.

Ten years ago, about the time I was "discovered" as a model, I was just closing a career in the fashion and beauty industry as a makeup artist, working around the world with the celebrities of the time.

I worked with a lot of famous fashion models. But it never occurred to me that I could end up modeling myself. When I was younger, I would have been way too self-conscious to even consider it.

It may seem strange that I gained self-confidence and comfort about my appearance as I aged, but that's just another one of those positive things about aging no one ever seems to hear about.

Today, I'm still modeling (you've probably seen me in ads for Oil of Olay and J. Jill catalogs, among other things). I live in a big, old Dutch Victorian overlooking the Hudson River north of New York City. I have two grown children living near me in New York City, and a wonderful, diverse circle of friends.

I have had many and varied interests throughout my life. However, nothing on this planet is more compelling to me than my fellow man.

I will never tire of the many different lifestyles, view points, philosophies, skills, talents, melodramas and chaos we create and experience on this planet. Oh, the fun and troubles we make for ourselves! It's a never-ending topic of discussion and exploration. And I think a lot of it will make for great blogging.

I've shared some of my viewpoints on aging, health and living well in previous interviews with Experience Life magazine. And now, I'm delighted to have the opportunity to share more of my perspectives through this blog.

If there's something in particular you'd like me to address, just let me know! (You can post a comment here or email me at cindyjosephis@me.com.) Otherwise, I'll just keep writing about what I know and love.

Which brings me to one last point: I'm not a doctor or scientist or nutritionist or fitness expert. I don't pretend to have all the answers or a monopoly on what's right and true.

I'm just me. But I take my health and happiness pretty seriously. And I have learned a great deal from living, studying, experimenting and figuring out what works -- at least for me. That's why I'm calling this blog "Just Cindy."

I hope you enjoy it, and I look forward to hearing about your thoughts and experiences, too!