Big Dreamer
This is the season of dreams. If last month was for giving to others, January is the month to give to ourselves. We make resolutions. We change the way we eat. We join a gym. We make a plan for the new year to better ourselves, our relationships and our lives. It's an exciting time to be in the health and fitness industry -- not to mention on my own weight-loss journey -- but it's also a bit maddening.
Case in point: The uptick of marketing weight-loss pills, cure-all diets, and fitness gadgets promoting less work and faster results. (See Jen Sinkler's "Expert Advice" column for the real deal.) I'm a sucker for these commercials. I'm a busy woman. If there were an easy and safe pill or tool I could use to lose weight, why wouldn't I want that?! So over the years I've acquired a few gizmos: the Thighmaster, a type of "ab rocker," a mini stair stepper and an ab roller. In my defense, the last two are legit, although the stair stepper broke and no longer has any resistance, thereby making it worthless. Oh well. I have two kettlebells now that give me a much better workout when I'm at home.
There are many out there that profit off our collective naiveté, and they have every right to market. Paula Deen can push her Lady's Brunch Burger, a hamburger topped with a fried egg and bacon set on a glazed doughnut, around the same time she's diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, a secret she's kept for three years, if she so chooses. Like I said, she has every right to market. It doesn't mean that it's right. But we all have a choice to eat the food or not eat the food.
Choice, in relation to food, has been a hard concept for me to grasp. And to clarify up front, it doesn't always exist: Many communities around the U.S. and world still don't have access to healthy food let alone organic food. But the more advocates and policy busters out there that petition to help neighborhoods survive via a farmers' market or community garden the better. I could go on about how said food needs to be less expensive, but this isn't a political diatribe. I'm in a position where I can easily find healthy food, so this is a commentary on my own choices.
When I think about my past food choices, they've been poor until recently. My choice is usually to sit on the couch and watch TV versus walking outside or going to the gym. Or in the past I've usually chosen to go to the bar with friends instead of joining them in a yoga class. Last fall, when I began my work with Lauren Zander of The Handel Group, I got called out. (Lauren spoke at TED Talk Amsterdam; see her interview below to get a better picture of this very cool and honest woman.) And even though I felt I could improve in several areas of my life (The Handel Group defines 18, which I'll explain in upcoming blog entries), the main focus for me kept coming back to my body.
The Handel Group's method focuses on personal integrity, on making and keeping promises. When we started talking about it, I laughed a bit. Of course I keep promises. Don't I? As we spoke, I realized I make more excuses than promises. And the first promises I break are always with myself.
Think about it. It's easy to break a promise to yourself to, say, eat right or not go to the gym. You're not going to get in trouble, so to speak, because you'll let yourself off the hook. But you keep your promise to meet a friend for coffee, go to work, or attend a family event. All those broken promises to myself had made me worse off, and I realized I maybe wasn't even able to keep promises to others. Since I wasn't keeping a promise to myself to do healthy activities and thus be healthy, I felt sick often and missed work, or had little energy to spend with friends and family. Lauren recommended a more intensive route: Dream Body.
Dream Body is a group teleseminar led by a Handel life coach over the course of 4, 8 or 12 weeks. I chose the latter option -- I figured I had a lot of work to do.
I recently concluded my work with Dream Body and had a lot of great insights that I'll be sharing over the next several weeks. Tonight, however, I wanted to focus on the theme of dreams. The core concept of promises and consequences, along with personal integrity, are the roots of the workshop, but the base of the tree is all about the Dream Body statement, one I struggled with all session.
When I first wrote it in October, I kept envisioning my former self, a blend between my svelte 18-year-old and 24-year-old bodies. Then the advertising entered: the Victoria Secret models and the bikini-clad fitness models on women's magazines. My dream was getting clouded by what others deemed "sexy" or "beautiful," not what I really wanted. And I needed to be clear about my own goals, and my own thoughts about beauty -- because it's much less narrow than it was years ago.
I started realizing that my "dream body" was first and foremost a healthy body, one that felt and looked strong. It was one that was full of vitality and energy, a body that was flexible and resilient. A powerful immune system. A clear and focused mind. It started to be more about what my body could do than what it looked like. After I spoke with Handel life coach Christine Young, who led the teleseminar, about this new vision for myself, I felt good. The Dream Body statement was different for everyone, but for me, the promise to reach optimal health has been a huge motivator. It's behind every choice I make every day for my body.
I also keep in mind one of my favorite quotes from this month's greatest dreamer, motivator, activist and extraordinary man, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: "The time is always right to do the right thing." For me, that means the right thing as a citizen, in my work, for my family and for my health. And the right time is always now.
The Purpose of Project Me
For those of you new to reading my blog, welcome! In some ways, I feel a little new to it myself. I began writing the Coming Clean blog in April 2010 after I started working as a freelance fact-checker for Experience Life. At the time, I was running my own copyediting company, Mixed Bag Media, and proofreading copy for eight different magazines. I had also, unfortunately, put on 65 pounds, exhausted my body so that I was sick once a month, and prioritized work over my relationships with my family and husband. I was pretty miserable -- and I take full responsibility for the poor choices I made.
I saw the blog as a way to document my path to better health. Everything I was learning through fact-checking and reading Experience Life was fascinating and completely foreign to me. I thought of weight loss as counting points or calories obsessively or eating "diet food," and running on a treadmill or some type of hated exercise for an hour or more each day. I thought it was all about calories in and calories out, discipline, restriction, and a bit of emotional abuse. With my weight gain, I thought I was lazy and stupid, I did this to myself, and no matter how I excelled in my career or however pretty I felt at an event, I'd still feel fat, and would assume that's all others saw as well.
I wanted to right my wrongs, lose weight and have more energy, all while sharing what I learned along the way. But my updates were sporadic, then eventually absent after last May when my grandmother passed away. By the fall, when our dogs, "our girls," could no longer coexist and we had to find a new home for our basenji, I was pretty depressed. I was working out and doing my best to stay focused on my meal plan and the big picture of improving my health, but I'm not sure if my heart was completely in it.
I know it frustrated my trainer, even if he didn't admit it, and I'm positive that it frustrated my life coach, Lauren Zander of the Handel Group, well, because she said it. She's a New Yorker, after all. No beating around the bush. You make these goals but you're not following through, why? Our conversation would go. And, I need you tell me why you want all this drama in your life. And the more I thought about it, I realized there was so much I needed to understand in my mind. Because this "on a diet" and "off a diet" was simply drama that I created. Would I lose weight or wouldn't I? It wasn't about calories and treadmills as much as it was about my commitment -- and more than that, my love for my body. And I haven't been very loving.
So this blog doesn't really have a category. It's not a fitness blog, specifically, or a nutrition blog or weight-loss blog. Similar to Experience Life itself, this blog is whole body, whole life, whole mind. Because, even if weight loss is my first goal, it's so much more than just the weight -- and it's never just about the weight. It's about my priorities, my work-life balance, my relationships, my home, my clutter, my pets, my vision, my purpose. It's personal, yes, but I hope it resonates with you, whether you are struggling to get healthy or if you feel you are there and need a friendly reminder of why you continue to make healthy choices every day. I appreciate your support and feedback, good or bad, and hope to start a dialogue in the comments section or via email, Facebook or Twitter.
When we re-branded the magazine in September 2010 and published Pilar Gerasimo's enlightening essay, "Being Healthy Is a Revolutionary Act" in January 2011, I really felt like our mission was speaking directly to me. It's about a practice, about making those healthy choices every day even when it's difficult because of location or busyness or because you'd rather just give in to all those endless excuses you can make.
But it's so much easier with support, and by finding a community of like-minded individuals that keep you focused, and in the end, keep you happy. So I'm glad you found ours.
2011: Year in Review
For as fast as 2011 went, I accomplished a lot on my path to good health. Here are a few of my proudest moments:
- I developed confidence in the gym and began a regular exercise program. In late October 2010, I started working one-on-one with personal trainer Shane Kinney. We started with the TRX and focused on building strength through circuit training. Much of my exercises were corrective, helping straighten my "computer back" and shoulders, for example, and improving coordination and core strength through full-body movements. I really started to like lifting weights, and exercises I'd normally avoid became my favorite moves to complete. If I lifted weights in the past, they would be light, maybe 2- to 5-pound dumbbells, or I'd only use the weight machines. With Shane, I went from swinging a 15-pound kettlebell 12 times in a row to swinging a 45-pound kettlebell 20 times in a row. I was stronger than I thought, and having someone believe in me and challenge me only motivated me more. When Shane started leading Boot Camp at Life Time Fitness in October 2011, I signed up for the three-sessions-per-week group, in which I work out alongside a triathlete and a former enlisted Marine. It's a fantastic group of athletes and hugely inspirational for me. Every time we complete a circuit, I come away with a bit of shock and awe -- did I really just do that? I'm so distant now from the woman that once thought she was weak.
- I stopped drinking diet soda and most soda altogether. Those who regularly read Experience Life or visit our Web site know the research on diet soda, and soda in general, so I won't go on a rant (but if you want the truth, see Pilar's list here). Our purpose is not to make you feel bad about the habit, only to educate. I drank a can of diet soda -- sometimes two cans -- every single day from 15 to 29 years old. I had no idea what was in it, what it did to my body -- and maybe I didn't want to know. Last spring, I had my last diet soda. Knowing what I know now, and how, even though it was "sugar-free," it was still tricking my body into craving more/real sugar (hence my cupcake habit), I can no longer drink it. I switched to sparkling water instead and haven't looked back. Occasionally I'll have an Izze Sparkling Juice or naturally flavored craft root beer, but they still pack a sweet punch -- a basic taste that I'm now much happier to enjoy in just a few sips.
- I lost 24 pounds! Over the length of 12 months, it doesn't seem like much, but it's a good start. And from October to December, I lost 11 of those 24 pounds. I credit several factors: Boot Camp and regular exercise; more adherence to my meal plan, which I started following earlier in the year; participation in the Handel Group's Dream Body teleseminar, for extra accountability and to get my mind on board with my diet; and the successful execution of a pesky parasite and bacterial infection. How on earth did I get a parasite? Beats me. I haven't traveled to any third world countries. We went to Europe in 2008. Mexico in 2006, although we stayed at the resort the entire time. But there are other ways to get parasites domestically. Animals and other people can pass parasites; Ladybird frequently suffered from giardia in the spring and fall. Undercooked meat and improperly washed fruits and veggies can also be carriers. And I did, unfortunately, order Chinese takeout from one restaurant on an almost weekly basis for more than a year, only to discover about eight months after we stopped eating there that it was nearly shut down by the state department of health. I can't make a clear case, but I blame the roaches. None of my doctors could pinpoint the origin, but after a round of antibiotics and rebuilding my good bacteria with probiotics, I began feeling much better. And I easily dropped six pounds in October when I struggled to drop even 2 in previous months, even with all the changes I made. (For more on parasites, read "Little Bugs, Big Trouble.")
Those were just a few of my major highlights, and I know there's more good things to come in 2012.
Brat Attack
My cousin Tanya is about six years older than me. When she'd come to visit us from Florida, she'd bring along her teen magazines with the Coreys on the cover, and I'd page through them trying to absorb it all so my teenage cousin would think I was cool. I'm the oldest of two, and the only girl, so I really looked up to Tanya as more of an older sister rather than a cousin I'd only see a few times a year. Plus, she was a dancer, cheerleader and a natural beauty -- who lived in a tropical paradise! -- so when she informed me that the Brat Pack was cool, then they were cool.
We were children, mind you, so we had no idea why they were called "The Brat Pack" by New York magazine, or that it wasn't necessarily a term of endearment. They were in movies. And on magazine covers. And rich in their 20s. So, to us as kids, that seemed cool. Thus "brats" were cool, in some regard.
Although I never thought I was purposefully being a brat, I no doubt was in my teens -- what teenage girl isn't? -- but I figured I kicked it when I turned 18. For the most part, I did, at least outwardly: I was kind to people, worked hard to get into my college of choice and joined the pep team at school. But when it came to how I treated myself, the brat never really died.
According to the Handel Group, there are three voices in your head, three different personality types that get in the way of you accomplishing your goals: the Chicken, the Brat and the Weather Reporter.
The Chicken
This is that scared little voice in your head that says you can't do it, that it's too hard to change. If you lose weight, you'll get undesired attention. People will look at you differently. You'll get compliments and not know how to respond. If I change, my friends may not like the new me or my family may not want to be around me because I'm "different." This is the voice of fear that resides within us, that drains our energy and keeps us from living our best lives. My chicken voice is loudest when it comes to my writing -- I can edit and fact-check and juggle multiple tasks, but when I return to my first craft, my perfectionist emerges and fear of not good enough holds me back.
The Weather Reporter
Just like a meteorologist who reports the weather but doesn't control it, this is the voice that allows you to resign to your bad habits. "My family has always eaten this way." I've never been an athlete. Or, "This is just how my life is." It is the voice that says you have no control. It reports the facts of your life and leads you to believe that you'll never be able to change it. This voice speaks to me when I run late to, well, pretty much every single appointment. My dad would would refer to it as being "on Lewis time." The Weather Reporter tells me that it's just my tendency to be late. We always ran late as a family. I was always running late in the mornings and would miss the bus. It's just my nature. As much as I hate it and it embarrasses me and makes me feel awful to make those I love wait, the voice returns and says "this is what you do, what you've always done." It's a defeating voice. And it usually makes me feel 10 times worse.
The Brat
When I think of the Brat, I think of Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (not the 2005 remake, although Johnny Depp was good -- I'm talking about the more excellent 1971 version with Gene Wilder). My Brat wants the candy, the cupcake, the Chinese takeout. She wants the piece of pizza, the cheeseburger. She wants the golden goose. And she wants it now.
The Brat, of course, loves the drama. She makes a fuss when she doesn't get her way. She wants what she wants. (The Brat can be a male voice, too, for a female, or vice versa, a female in a male's head -- it's different for everyone, but for me, she's Veruca.) There's no arguing or rationalizing with the Brat, mostly because she doesn't care to hear it. She doesn't want to make a deal with you. So in the end, the only way to silence the Brat is to tell her to shut up. Talk her down to remission. Yell and curse and tell her you're not listening. I can notice her and take note of what she says, but I don't give in.
All of these voices, whether it's the Brat or Chicken or Weather Reporter, need to be on a leash. Lauren tells me to think of my mind as a field to tend to: If the voices are the seeds, and they are all negative thoughts, all that grows in my field are weeds. My job is to tend to the field and only allow positivity to grow. I see myself in a pair of overalls, walking around an open dirt plot, zapping mini snotty Verucas as they pop up before they can finish the statement "I want...." The Brat can be tricky, too, shifting tones and coming at me as a negotiator, making bargains and rationalizing why it's OK to eat something that's not on my meal plan or why I can skip the gym. Sneaky little Brat.
I never really thought of my excuses this way. When I did, I started to laugh at myself when I'd reach for the cookie. I almost allowed myself to be Veruca Salt, and no way did I want to be a bad egg.
The Season of Celebration...and Stress
Last year was a blur. Most of it sped by, particularly the summer months, when I can't even tell you what I did. Really. I went to Los Angeles twice for work -- that was great. Visited the cabin a few times. Maybe had a barbecue or two with family and friends. But the entire season went so quickly I couldn't tell you dates unless I referenced them on my Facebook Timeline. I didn't even notice it at the time, but as I was designing our Christmas cards this year and sorting through our collection of pictures in iPhoto, I realized how quickly 2011 went.
After balancing a full social calendar in the summer, I like to slow down come fall. For us, that didn't happen: September marked my 30th birthday, our five-year wedding anniversary, and Ladybird's 7th birthday. And then come the holidays, and before we know it, it's already 2012.
The fall was a season of landmarks for us, but not always good, as we found ourselves in the midst of intensifying pet drama: Toward the end of the month, a stray kitten wandered into our yard at night and we ended up fostering her for several weeks while we searched for her owner. (With no luck, we advertised for a new home and found one through my co-worker's friend.) And right before the holidays, the tension between our dogs came to a breaking point and we ended up re-homing Ladybird with a wonderful woman in Milwaukee who was familiar with her unique breed. The stress and sadness of this was difficult to bear, and I think it's important to discuss here -- especially given the impact of stress on weight gain as I've been working so hard to get in shape -- so I'll address that a bit later when I'm ready.
With all these challenges, it would have been very easy for me to go wildly off-track, eating every cookie and cake in sight and ignoring all the work I put in with my trainer, Shane Kinney. And there were times, I will admit -- times that, thankfully, I can count on one hand -- where I did resort to crying at the kitchen counter while eating a cream cheese puff. A momentary lapse of self-hatred ensued. And instead of going to the gym to exercise and work it off, I'd feel so bad I'd crawl up in a ball and take a nap.
But those instances, as I said, occurred only a handful of times. Because, recently, I've taken a different approach to my stress and food plans and life balance. In late August, I started working with life coach Lauren Zander of The Handel Group. Brilliant and honest, Lauren has been holding me accountable. She's given me a new perspective, and her insights into my barriers have been enlightening. In the past, it's been so easy for me to get lost in the stress and drama, but I've been using the Handel Group's techniques to gain clarity as I headed into the holiday season and new year.
It all starts with two words: The Brat. And I've got a big one. I'll tell you all about her in my next post.
Q&A With Biggest Loser Finalist Hannah Curlee
Between my love of television and my desire to makeover my body, The Biggest Loser has always felt like the perfect combo for my leisure time. Of course, I've always been clear about how they are able to lose so much weight so quickly, but it's something to keep in mind. It's very easy to get sucked into the show and have similar expectations -- especially if you are one that doesn't read the fine print as the credits are rolling. We've talked about it before in our magazine, and I think it's important to be realistic when watching the show. It is, after all, TV, and for a program to survive, ratings have to be considered. And in our society, the more extreme, the more attention one seems to get.
Wherever you fall in the debate about whether these shows are good or bad for pop culture, they sure have gained momentum: Heavy on A&E, Thintervention on Bravo, Celebrity Fit Club on VH1 and I Used to Be Fat on MTV, among others. The personal trainers can be a bit intense and loud, and there's a lot of talk about calories consumed and burned. So it's easy to come away with, "Man, I have to work really hard and be extremely diligent with what I eat in order to lose weight." This could be inspiring for some, but it can also be debilitating for others.
For myself, who's getting ready to watch The Biggest Loser finale tonight, and for those who find themselves either motivated or confused by tonight's results, it seems like a good time to clear up some of the myths.
I had the opportunity to meet with season 11 finalist Hannah Curlee a few weeks back while she was in the Twin Cities, and asked her to explain what it means to participate on the show:
Q: What does it really feel like to stand on a scale in front of the other participants and the larger TV audience?
A: I kept thinking, this is me right now, I'm not going to look like this forever, but this is my starting point. Everyone has to start somewhere. And to finally start talking about some of those things about hating myself, about being a food addict, about how I eat when I'm eating in my house alone, about throwing away cake and going and getting it out of the garbage. It was about finally just being like, oh my gosh, I've let this secret pop out. But it's one of those things that I held so close to my heart about how I felt about myself. And it was like once I started doing that, asking for help, taking that first step, I was just letting that baggage kind of fall to the way side. By admitting it.
Q: What do you say to the people who feel it's just too hard to do at home, that they'd need a team like you had versus the stress and food and temptations of home to make their weight loss happen?
A: [The resources on the show] teach you, and they are there helping you and giving you the tools, but you are the one using the tools. You're picking up the hammer and you're nailing it, you're doing the work. I would thank Jillian [Michaels] but she'd say, "Don't ever thank me, you're doing this yourself. I'm just showing you that you can actually do it." Yes, I had help, of course, but I asked for the help.
Q: So do you get help in the kitchen on campus? I always assumed that you have chefs cooking for you.
A: Nope. The crew just buys your list. You could put anything you want on the list.
Q: Like a chocolate cake? You can put that on your shopping list?
A: You can. You can put anything you want on the list. You have someone grocery shopping for you, which is great, but it's really your choice of what you cook. If I had a personal chef, that would be super easy, but we don't. We do it. It is nice because the kitchen is always stocked, but you make your own choices. You make your own meal, do your own laundry, iron your own Biggest Loser T-shirt before you go on set.
Q: We get a lot of success stories at the magazine and through Life Time Fitness from people who meet their goals through the support of another person. You had the benefit of having your sister, Olivia Ward, join you on last season's show. Do you think you would have been able to last as long if you didn't have your sister there?
A: I didn't want to do the show at first. I asked her, Do you know what they do to people on this show? Do you know that we have to stand up in front of America on a scale almost naked? I was like, you're married, that's great, but I'll never get a date again after this show. Then she reminded me that we've been slowly but surely killing ourselves. Olivia and I went on diets for years, for 10 years together. And finally, when she was having difficulty getting pregnant, and was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome), the doctor discovered I had it too and told me that you're not going to have any children either if you don't get healthy. And these are some of the hard additional challenges that women face when they are overweight.
Q: I think that's important for people to remember, and many unfortunately learn from their doctors, that the added weight can cause such horrible diseases and conditions. This season, we've heard a bit more about all the health benefits from Dr. Rob Huizenga as participants improve and lose weight. Can you talk a bit more about some of the big "a-has" you had during your season on the show?
A: I'm not perfect, of course, but at the same time it's like I'm armed with the knowledge now. I knew pizza was bad for me, I knew I was drinking too many lattes, but I never counted calories or knew exactly what I was eating. I thought that was the lamest thing. I was like, food journal?! That's the lamest thing ever. Right down your feelings?! But it worked.
It's hard because, when people watch it, they may see week one or two into The Biggest Loser and the first week people lose like 40 pounds. You have to understand, many of us were overeating for years. I was eating a whole pizza and a whole two-liter bottle of Coke for dinner, several times a week. So a lot of that is your water weight in the beginning, all the sodium from processed food. I can remember seeing some of the contestants in the beginning, and their ankles were so swollen. But as the numbers you lose aren't as big, I learned that you should celebrate every pound. It took me almost halfway through the season to really celebrate my successes.
Q: Talk a bit about the workouts. What are those like? Do you work out all day long?
A: Not like what you see on the show. When you see us with the trainers and our team, it's a three-hour workout. Those are the intense daily sessions. For the rest of the day, we do a lot of walking, hiking, spinning, swimming -- just to keep moving.
Q: There's a lot of talk about calories on the show, but no specific numbers are mentioned, which I'm always glad to see.
A: Because it's so different for everyone. At my heaviest weight, I had to burn 6,000 calories in a 24-hour period. It's quite a lot.
Q: That is a lot! They give you guidelines on what you're aiming to burn in calories each day, but you've been careful not to reveal an exact number for food. Which is great because a lot of people had the wrong mentality that they should be consuming as few calories as possible to lose weight.
A: For me, food is more about fueling my life. I still love food and I still love to indulge in certain things, but at the same time it's really about what am I going to be able to eat that, a) tastes good, that I'm going to want to keep eating, and b) what am I going to eat that's going to help me get through the day?
And it's about, really, just wholesome and natural foods. It's so much about that. I never really realized what I was putting in my body, all the frozen foods filled with preservatives, fruits that are bathed in pesticides. I just never took the time to really see. Our bodies are so very important. I never treated it with respect -- ever. I just didn't.
There are so many additives in our foods and our meats. And how you can leave a frozen pizza in your freezer for several years or you can leave a jar of mustard or whatever in your refrigerator or a can of soda can last like 10 years. It's crazy! And you think to yourself, what's happening during those 10 years in that can of soda that I'm getting ready to put in my body and how's my body going to process it? I notice now when I'm eating, I'm eating so clean, it's great and my body processes food totally differently now.
Q: We love the message of quality food at the magazine! Has that changed how you cook, too?
A: I've kind of had to re-learn to cook. I always used garlic and onion, but I never really got into spices, I never really got into making my own salad dressings and making my own sauces for fish. And I love swapping recipes online.
Q: Are recipe swaps part of your maintenance plan? What else are you doing to keep the weight off? They often talk on the show about that aspect being more difficult than the actual weight loss.
A: It's all about planning. And pack snacks, nuts and an apple. I've even heard of people bringing their own condiments when they travel, mini olive oils and dressings. I went to a wedding recently, so that day I woke up earlier to workout. And I didn't have the chocolate fountain and the champagne and the fried shrimp, but I really wanted the cake. So I took a piece and enjoyed it, where before I would have had three pieces of cake, a piece of the groom's cake and the other stuff. And I also realized, I don't have to eat the entire piece of cake. I've never been one to push food away, so that was progress. It's all about progress.
For fitness, I'm not doing the same workouts, obviously, but I work out six days a week for 90 minutes a day with a full day off, usually Sundays. But I break my workouts up: 45 minutes of boot camp in the morning and maybe a spin class or hike for 45 minutes in the afternoon. I also lift weights, which I really like because I feel stronger. But I really try to mix it up.
Q: The most compelling part of the show for me is when participants have this breakthrough -- that's what's holding me back! Or that's why I eat mindlessly! In the end, the trainers tell them that if they don't figure out what they want in life, and what happened to get them to 250 or 350 or 450 pounds, they can easily go back to it. Because all the exercise and modified meal plans won't matter if they can't make peace in their head. What was your breakthrough like?
A: I was so dishonest with myself for so many years and when I got on the show I was so desperate to change, I didn't care who knew my deepest, darkest secrets. It doesn't matter if you need to lose weight or not, it's all about finding out what you really want out of your life. I was never honest with myself about what I really wanted. I want everything. I want to be happy. I want to have a career, I want to have a husband and I want to have beautiful children -- I want everything. I never, ever voiced that. And it's OK to want everything in this world.
To want to be your best, to strive to be your best self. What a good goal. And now you have the energy to go after those things.
Take Care
This month has been all about managing my emotional health. After my grandmother passed away two weeks ago, I've been doing my best to be present and allow myself to experience my feelings. Historically, whenever I've been challenged with anything too real or too upsetting, I've immersed myself in work as a distraction. The busier I become, the less time I have to address my sadness, and thus I stuff it into the back crevices of my mind, neglecting it consciously for as long as possible. That is, say, until I lash out randomly at someone who cuts me off at the supermarket. "Sorry that I reacted so poorly when you grabbed the last jar of pesto. It's not you, and it's not that I love pesto that intensely, I'm just struggling with residual grief from a loved one's death that I thought I could avoid." The apology wouldn't really make sense to a stranger. Or maybe it would. I suspect that many of us would rather move on than mourn.
So I've been journaling and meditating and looking through old photos of Grandma and me. The memories make me smile, and sometimes cry, but both reactions are okay because they are real. Although I've always been good at practicing self-care (I'm a champion napper), I'm finally allowing myself to really enjoy it and find ways to do it well. These three self-care regimens have been helping me the most right now.
Acupuncture
I've been going to see Tómas at Three Treasures Community Acupuncture for a little over a year now. There's much more I can (and will, at a later time) say about this experience, but simply reclining in a Barcalounger, listening to the sounds of woodwinds and birds chirping, with several little needles inserted into my skin at just the right spots has revolutionized the way I relax. It calms me, and somehow seems to make me feel more aware throughout my day. Acupuncture has also helped my sleep, which has long been erratic. But the moment of transformation for me, when the world went from black-and-white to color, if you will, came last summer as a storm was rolling in. I had dozed off in the late afternoon heat, and awoke to Deva Premal on the stereo, her ethereal voice literally lifting my spirit from a deep sleep. The clouds had become dark and foreboding, yet I felt totally at peace, so much so that I was moved to tears. It was a great moment of healing for me. I've been going every week ever since.
Yoga
I wish I could say I go to yoga every week as well, but I'm a sporadic practitioner (or sampler, then?). But I have found an instructor at Life Time Fitness's Highland Park location that I adore: Aleeah S. I felt so limber after my first class with her, and nurtured as a first-timer, that I had to go back. It took me a few weeks to make the time in my schedule, but I attended another class on April 30. I had received the call the night before that Grandma was slipping away, so I was especially tender. Aleeah had a sub for that class, but this woman shared her soothing and supportive manner. We were on our backs in savasana at the end of the class, breathing deeply and slowly, and our instructor guided us through our meditation: "Imagine your bodies weightless, hovering above the ground, as your lungs fill your body with life, and you rise to meet the clouds we will all meet eventually." It was a little close to home, so you can imagine my response. However, after all the poses and the strength I felt in my body from the one-hour session, I felt pride in my heart. I didn't feel sadness, I felt illuminated. So much so that I was moved to tears. Again. Clearly I register "tears" as the marker of a successful self-care activity.
Travel
Image via Wikipedia
It's those places and activities that allow me to slow down, quiet the mind and decompress from a busy life that really make me stronger. And here I thought it was just those 45-pound kettlebell swings.
Mother Love
This Mother's Day was particularly difficult for my family: The matriarch of the Lewis family, Isabel, passed away on May 1. She was 81 years old.
Although my grandmother had been sick (she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in 2008), she had been doing somewhat well long after her doctor's prognosis. He gave her six months to a year to live, and yet, nearly three years later, she was only now leaving us. It really was a testament to her spirit that she proved him wrong.
When I visited with my grandparents in Phoenix in January 2010, Grandma was still driving a car. She took me to her church in Sun City West, introduced me to her friends and showed me her final resting place in a meditative garden between the chapel and the reception hall. She shared with me her wish to be cremated and placed in a wall where we could visit, and asked that I understand why her and my grandfather chose this location versus the cemetery where my two aunts are buried in Richfield, Minn. My grandparents' place of worship, Desert Garden Church, had become home to them, and they found support in the community there. She told me that although her body wouldn't be placed somewhere I could easily visit, her spirit would always be with me. It was an important conversation for us to have, and I only realized its true value recently. She wasn't just showing me this place, she was sharing with me the gift of acceptance and peace.
Along with her choosing a location in the open columbarium, Grandma had also written all of her own obituaries -- six in total, each one a little different for various publications (placed in the Arizona, Minneapolis and Ohio papers, as well as announcements for her church, her alumni magazine, and her "active seniors" community newsletter). In the week following her death, I worked with my father and aunt and uncles to copy edit the obituaries, and each time I was struck at all of her accomplishments. She truly had a full life, full of children and friends and work and travel. Both her and my grandfather were college graduates -- my grandmother attended their alma mater, Miami University in Ohio, as a high school junior -- and were active citizens in the black community when they moved to Minneapolis, fighting discrimination laws that kept them out of the neighborhoods with better school systems for their children. When Barack Obama was elected president, my grandma sent a letter to the family saying how proud she was to see this in her lifetime: As an infant, she sat on the lap of her great-grandfather, a former slave who fought in the Civil War as a free man, and now she was watching our first black president take the oath of office. What change she had seen in her years! I can't imagine it, but can only hope my generation achieves such great advancements.
When I arrived in Peoria for the services, where I would join the members of my extended family, I read through a notebook Grandma kept with her obituaries and wishes. She listed several pages of friends to contact upon her death, with phone numbers and the order in which to call. In her obituaries, she left notes after the grandchildren's names -- "if Jamie is married when I pass, please update her last name" -- and instructions for the program format. Paging through it, I found great comfort in knowing she was planning this, and, like our conversation in the reflective garden where the inurnment would take place, she wanted us to know she had made peace with the fact that she was dying. She had a big love and deep appreciation for life and all the people in her world that made it wonderful, and it almost seemed as if writing her wishes gave her closure. It was, as my uncle said at her service, her final loving act: to make sure her children and grandchildren would have guidance and strength to make it through our grieving.
My cousin Larry, who we've always called Paco, and I spoke on behalf of the grandchildren. I drafted what I'd say -- I even timed my speech so it wouldn't be too long (like Grandma, I'm both a planner and can be a bit verbose) -- but I don't even know what came out of my mouth. It was a bit of a blur. I do remember, though, Paco's comments on Grandma's strength, and how impressed he was with her eternal optimism in the face of so many great challenges. When she was told she was going to die, she didn't wallow, she made her final plans and she cherished every minute she had. And I believe it was for this and her lifelong fortitude that she was granted extra time, enough so that one of her last visits was with her seventh great-grandchild, Isabel Delphine.
She really was a woman to admire. I can only hope for so much grace. I was blessed to have so many years in her presence. My memories of her -- her thoughtfulness, generosity and enthusiasm for life -- will serve as navigation for me in the greatness I hope to achieve. And that peace that I understood from her in the end, one that seemed to come from a life well lived, can only start with today.
Home-State Happiness
Midwest winters can be brutal, and this season has been particularly long. This time last year, golf courses were open in Minnesota; when I look out my window today, I still see 2-foot snowbanks lining our street. But the sun is out, the birds are chirping and the snow is starting to melt.
When St. Patrick's Day rolls around, we've usually reached warmer weather -- 40- to 50-degree days, like we had this week, and more hours of sunshine thanks to daylight savings. More and more people can be seen taking walks after dinner. Just the other day, my neighbor was playing basketball with her son in their driveway. And yesterday, my coworker found plants budding in her yard.
A lot of people wonder how we do it (even some who live in our great state), but it's always been a no-brainer for me: I love the change of seasons. My family is here. My friends are here. The work I love is here. And the people are great: highly intelligent and well read (despite what you saw in the move Fargo), engaged in politics and culture (behind New York City, the Twin Cities boasts more theater seats per capita than any other city), and generally friendly and trustworthy (I almost always feel safe in my city, even at night, and usually get a kind smile from at least one stranger when passing). I couldn't imagine living anywhere else.
For some people, our winters are a dealbreaker, but I've been surprised to learn that residents in some cities and states with larger, everyday challenges still remain so optimistic. I've been reading Dan Buettner's Thrive: Finding Happiness the Blue Zones Way (National Geographic Society, 2010), in which Buettner travels to the world's happiest places, as deemed by the World Values Survey, and interviews academics, government officials and citizens to find out what makes their residents so joyful. A fellow Minnesotan, Buettner travels first to Denmark, which echos his home state with their long, dark winters -- the writer even meets a Dane wearing a Minnesota Gophers sweatshirt. The book is a fascinating read, and deepen my understanding of how environment has such a strong influence on happiness. It reminded me of a conversation I recently had with a man from Boston when I was traveling to Fort Myers, Florida, to visit friends. He, too, understood my love of the seasons, and it was nice to meet someone who didn't think I was crazy for choosing to remain in my snowy home state.
Much of my adaptation to the cold can be credited to a renewed positivity, one I couldn't help but absorb when I started working with Experience Life a little over a year ago. I see the beauty in winter now, and looking out at a fresh snowfall, with the sun casting shadows from the trees, makes me all sorts of nostalgic for holidays spent with loved ones and sledding adventures with Grandpa. This season, I went snowshoeing with friends for the first time, and discovered a new way to enjoy the snow. (Not much of an athlete, especially not a snow-bound athlete, I've only tried a few winter sports, including ice skating and downhill and cross-country skiing, but had yet to find an activity that I felt I could manage without getting injured. I have trouble trusting myself on athletic equipment ... but that's another blog entry!)
The activity mixed with a dose of sunshine lifted my spirits. Our snowshoeing day was part of a celebration of my friend's 30th birthday, and, for me, it encouraged me to think about how I want to start the next decade of my life when I turn 30 in September. Somehow my annual New Year's resolution's list has become some sort of countdown to 30 (I'm not alone: search Blogger.com for "30 by 30" and you'll find other bloggers looking to make big changes before the big 3-0). Many are small goals, but overall, I want to continue this healthy path I'm on, and always remember to remain present in every moment. It served me well this winter, and helped me make the most of the season.
Less Talk, More Action
I tend to be a bit of chatty Courtney, er, Cathy, a trait I credit to each of my lovely grandmothers. Both Marie and Isabel have been blessed with the gift of gab, and I do my darnedest not to spoil my inheritance my making pointless conversation or rambling incessantly (although I'm guilty of both). There are a few settings that stop my motormouth -- I'm always quiet in the traditional venues such as libraries or the movies -- and I've become more thoughtful in my dialogue in recent years, but I can generally strike up a conversation just about anywhere with just about anyone. It's helped me make friends and find my career as a journalist, but this skill has sometimes impeded me in the gym.
Most of my hour with trainer Shane flies by. I move fairly quickly through my TRX-and-kettlebell circuit -- suitcase deadlifts and renegade rows with pushups slow me up (check out the video below for a demo, and imagine me pulling one side then doing a pushup, and then lifting on the other side, followed by a pushup, each time working my way to my knees for the pushup portion -- WHEW!).
Recently, however, I've been chatting less and working more in the gym, which clearly made a difference when I was first able to get through all but one exercise on my third round on the circuit -- with Shane still in attendance! I've usually only made it through two rounds with him, so I was proud of both my speed and my commitment to get it done.
It's funny: When I think about my health and fitness victories, most are resulting from a willingness to show up, and a dedication to do the work. In the past, I've always found excuses for not working out, and my excuses abound.
I don't have the right clothes. I'm too fat for the gym. I'm not strong enough to lift weights. I have too much cleaning to do at home. I'm too busy at work. I don't feel very well today, not sick, but I might be fighting something. I've got to get home to let the dogs out. I'm meeting with friends and don't think I'll have time. I'm just wiped after the day and would rather relax on the sofa. I'm sure there are plenty of instances I've chosen watching TV over working out -- even when I could have been working out in front of the TV. Or maybe when chores held me back, I could've asked Kyle to take over, and divided big projects into easily manageable tasks I could tackle each evening after my workout. Or I could trade a happy hour with the girls for a bike ride or walk by the river. Too busy? How about some jumping jacks and pushups right now? (Check out "Workday Workouts" for more easy ways to squeeze in activity.) Too tired? Maybe I would have more energy if I made it to my workout -- which, I've found, I always do.
If half of life is just showing up, I need to make the commitment to do the work. I can talk about it and plan for it, but in the end, if I want to lose weight and get stronger, I need to make it happen. Nike got it right. It's simple but true, and the more effort and dedication I put in, the more I'll be rewarded.
That being said, I better get to the gym.
Recent Comments