Change Your Questions, Change Your Life

For most of us, the beginning of a new year represents the opportunity for new beginnings, wiping the slate clean, and enjoying the energy and optimism of a fresh start. Yet most of us have also had the dispiriting experience of starting out with ambitious goals and resolutions only to abandon them in short time. We end up getting down on ourselves and it gets harder to believe that success is even possible. I know this has been true for me and most everyone I know.

I was thinking about this one day while looking at the Choice Map (download it for free here or at www.InquiryInstitute.com) and had an aha! moment: I realized the one thing that had always been true when I'd been successful with my goals was that my Learner mindset had been in charge of how I was thinking and behaving. Of course, the opposite was also true. When I was discouraged, upset with myself or just plain unconscious, I was pretty much knee-deep in the Judger Pit.

The Choice Map offered some powerful questions for understanding why accomplishing my goals sometimes went awry, as well as keys for transforming it into Learner success and satisfaction:

• How can my Learner mindset help me set realistic, attainable goals?
• How can I discover what goals are real for me in the sense of being personally authentic and compelling?
• How can Learner thinking protect my goals from getting hijacked by Judger?

The answers that I came up with have helped not only me, but my friends and clients, too -- I hope they'll make a difference for you as well.

The first point is that there's a technology for setting goals and a different technology for managing how one thinks and behaves during the journey of getting to a goal. It's really important to think of these activities separately. The cost of confusing goal-setting and the journey of getting to a goal can be a major "Judger attack." We risk falling into Judger questions like, "Why can't I ever get it right?" or "What's wrong with me?" or "Why bother?" Judger questions like these are real showstoppers!

The technology for setting goals requires that the goals we commit to meet certain criteria. The ones that are realistically achievable are specific, behavioral, measurable, and have some kind of timeline. We create them because they're personally important and worthwhile, not because someone else thinks we should want them. Achieving a goal has to be realistically within our own scope of influence -- a goal about someone else changing the way they behave is more like a wish rather than a goal! The best goals are usually stated positively and represent experiences we want to move toward, not away from. Of course, the goal should be energizing and motivating over the long haul, not just at the time of creating it.

Yes, it does take time and attention to be this thorough with setting goals. But imagine if you were embarking on a major trip, say to China. If you don't set the flight plan up correctly, you could end up in India instead. Then you might come to a Judger conclusion that you're a terrible pilot rather than realizing you just didn't set the trip up right.

Once you've created compelling and realistic goals for the trip, you still have to make the journey. That's when Learner strategies make all the difference. Remember that every moment spent in Judger is time that takes away from your possibilities of achieving what you want. These Learner principles can help guide your "goal journey" to a safe and successful landing:

• Accept the fact that you're human and that perfection is just not a realistic expectation.
• Use the Choice Map to help you notice when Judger thinking has taken over. Then take the Switching Lane to get back to Learner territory. Ask yourself questions like, "How can I be kind and generous with myself and get back on track?" or "What do I need that I haven't been paying attention to?" or "What kind of support do I need?" and/or "What can I learn from what just happened?"
• Take the trip toward setting and accomplishing your goals with a friend or buddy so you can support each other along the way.
• Be kind and forgive yourself -- over and over and over again.

Let me know what happens when you use these ideas. Which ones make the biggest difference? What did you learn that you can share with others who read this blog?

Wishing you a wonderful and fulfilling New Year!
Marilee

I recently had dinner with a friend whom I met almost 20 years ago on a sunrise desert hike while on a retreat at a spa in Mexico. Our get-together brought back memories of that wonderfully renewing experience -- one of the best I've ever had. It's my benchmark for rejuvenating getaways, and compared to it, no other situation since has seemed as right or as satisfying.

For years, I've looked back longingly on that time, wishing I could again take two weeks off for rest and relaxation. Then early this year, it finally dawned on me that I was living in the past, waiting for the perfect opportunity to re-create the perfect renewal experience.

It was like wandering through a desert and desperately longing for an oasis where there simply wasn't one, and just getting thirstier and more exhausted every step of the way.

I realized I was so focused on having another experience like that, that I was not really paying attention to what my body and soul needed in the present. I needed new questions to keep me mindful about replenishing myself at any moment. Here's what I came up with:

• What little things help me feel "filled up" and more like myself again?
• In addition to what's obvious (like going to an exercise class), what small things can I easily incorporate into my daily life?
• What one thing can I do right now that would really make a difference for me?

The answers to these questions surprised me and actually gave me a life-enhancing breakthrough. I remembered a particular yoga pose that always makes me feel good. Sometimes I feel calmer and quieter by weeding or doing some yard work. What really excited me, though, was realizing how much I love to read and how inherently satisfying it is for me. It almost feels like an oasis to dedicate even 15 minutes to reading whatever is enjoyable for me right then.

What I learned from this whole experience is that renewal can happen in any moment. It's a choice that's almost always available -- if I just remember to ask the questions that help me create an oasis when I need one!

By incorporating this awareness and incorporating simple, self-renewing choices into my life on a daily basis, I can prevent the accumulation of too much stress. And renewal can occur on a very small scale. It might be as simple as remembering to breathe, or shifting my posture, or going outside for five minutes to let the sun shine on me.

 I've started using the Choice Map to help me remember to take care of myself. It's a great tool for being mindful enough to notice if I'm in Judger (stress almost always puts me there). Then I can ask questions to help me switch into Learner, and figure out what I need to ask -- and do -- to start feeling better and enjoying my life more.

You can create an oasis in your own life whenever you need one, simply by asking yourself questions like these:

• What activities, settings, people, etc., energize me?
• What small, simple things replenish me, and make me feel like I'm ready to go out and face the world again?
• What little things make a big difference?

Every time you ask one of these questions, you'll be sending yourself a message: "I care about taking care of you." And you'll be creating an oasis -- an opportunity for relaxation and renewal -- that you might otherwise have missed.

Here's to a relaxing start to your holiday season!
Marilee

I'd like to introduce you to a dear friend of mine. At age 95, Lillian Brown is one of the liveliest, most inspiring women I know. We met 25 years ago, when I lived in Washington, D.C., and since then she's been my teacher, mentor and friend. More than anything, she's a shining model of a woman who is continually expanding her potential.

Lillian is the author of three books and she's currently working on two more. For years, she was a professor at three prestigious universities, as well as a media consultant, providing makeup and media advice to nine U.S. presidents. The memoir she's currently working on is about those experiences, as well as the amazing impact that television has had on politics.

Despite these accomplishments, if you were lucky enough to meet Lillian, what you would notice most would be her energy (she does tai chi daily), her delight in living, her kindness, and her unabashed curiosity and affection for people. Lillian probably doesn't think much about the notion of "potential"; she just lives it fully everyday.

While writing this month's blog, I wondered what Lillian would tell us about unleashing our potential, overcoming limitations and hardships, and living healthy, happy and fulfilling lives. I thought it would be great to share her with you, so I called to find out what advice she would offer.

What she described was different than I expected. She doesn't think about herself and her own potential as much as the goal before her. Her most compelling goals have almost always "been for the betterment of others," especially her own family of three daughters. She told me that she actually lies in bed each morning and asks herself, "What can I do with the gift of this day to do what I have to get done?" She was quite emphatic when she told me, "Marilee, tell [people] not to ask questions like 'Why did that happen to me?' because that will just stop them in their tracks."

In last month's blog, I talked about the huge impact it makes when we ask Learner questions instead of Judger ones. I'm sure I learned some of this from Lillian! Her question about the gift of the day is a beautiful Learner question. The 'woe is me' one is pure Judger.

Learner questions lift us up and propel us positively toward the future, while Judger questions sap energy and self-confidence and put up all kinds of roadblocks. Of course, we all ask both kinds; the point is to ask more Learner ones and fewer Judger ones. (You can refer back to the Choice Map, at left, which illustrates how this works. You can also download it at www.InquiryInstitute.com.)

Lillian also said, "Don't hesitate, just keep going." Her point was that we usually don't know what potential we have until we call upon it, often because we have to. When she was asked to help out with makeup for guests on Face the Nation, for instance, "I didn't know a thing about makeup, my dear, not a thing," she recalled. Fast-forward and we find her helping President Kennedy get ready for his Inauguration Day -- at his request because she was "simply the best."

In Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, I wrote that the key to a happy, healthy, fulfilled life is to "accept Judger and practice Learner." I do this every day and one of the best ways I do it is to keep Lillian, and other wonderful women and men, in mind. So when I find myself in Judger mode, and discouraged or down on myself, I might ask: "How would Lillian look at this?" or "What gift would she find in this situation?"

Who are the models who inspire you to keep expanding your potential? Who are the individuals whose vibrant being and fierce determination light up your life? What is it about them that makes such a difference for you? What stories about them could you share with us? I'd love to hear some -- and so would other readers of Experience Life who read this blog.

Did you know that the questions you ask have a great deal of influence on your happiness, success and quality of life? It's true.

We all ask questions constantly, and the nature of those inquiries -- from inherently negative questions like "Whose fault is it?" and "How could I have been so stupid?" to more positive questions like "What's possible?" and "What do I appreciate about myself (and the other person) in this moment?" -- can have an enormous impact on the outcomes in our careers, relationships, health and every other aspect of our personal well-being.

I've made a career out of asking questions, and in this blog I'm going to share with you the best tools I know for improving the questions you ask yourself and others on a daily basis.

But first, let me tell you a little bit about myself and my connection with Experience Life magazine . . .

My relationship with Experience Life began in late 2004 when they wrote an article about a book I had just written, Change Your Questions, Change Your Life: 7 Powerful Tools for Life and Work (hence the name of this blog). They did a great job and I also had some delightful conversations with editor in chief Pilar Gerasimo. We even ended up doing a radio show together. There was a lot of great chemistry, and we knew we'd do something together when the time was right. Fast forward and here we are today!

A little about my background. I live in New Jersey, right near the Delaware River, with my husband (he's an amazing artist), two dogs and two turtles. In 1998, after being a psychotherapist for 25 years, I wrote a psychology textbook, The Art of the Question: A Guide to Short-Term Question-Centered Therapy. During that part of my career I worked with individuals, couples and families, and also gave workshops on positive ways that people can be more in charge of their attitudes and behavior to support their health and well-being. Those experiences taught me many things, including how the questions people ask themselves help or hinder their ability to change and enjoy satisfaction and success in their lives.

Then I decided it was time to make this work (I call it Question Thinking, or QT) more available, so I expanded into coaching and even into working with organizations. I also realized that I needed something other than a textbook for the QT methods to be easily accessible. That's why I wrote Change Your Questions, Change Your Life -- so people could learn simple, practical methods for asking better questions that would help them get what they want in their own lives.

I am continually gratified by the response to that book, which became a word-of-mouth bestseller and was translated into 12 languages. I get emails and calls from people all over the world with stories about how they were able to change their attitudes and behavior after reading the book -- like the reader who was finally able to have an effective conversation with a boss and others who've improved their relationships and even their self-confidence. You can read some of those stories in the introduction to the second edition of the book, which just came out this summer, or at my Web site, www.InquiryInstitute.com.

People are particularly enthusiastic about the Choice Map, which is a graphic in the book that illustrates the two main paths that are available to us at any moment: the Learner Path and the Judger Path. It also describes the kinds of questions we typically ask on each path.

The Choice Map (shown at left; click the image to see it full size) shows people how to change their questions so they can be more in charge of their moods, how they think and feel, and more able in general to get the results they want. It shows how we can continually choose to operate on the Learner path, even though we all take the Judger one from time to time -- and sometimes end up in the Judger Pit. Cindy Joseph, another guest blogger for Experience Life, gave an inspiring example of Learner thinking when she described her vibrant positive attitude about "power aging."

Now it's "confession time" for me. Today while writing this blog, I realized that I've been a bit Judger on myself for not getting to the gym for a few months. So I asked myself some questions to help me switch from Judger to Learner and then called a friend for support. Here are some of the questions I asked myself: Am I being Judger with myself? Am I willing to switch to Learner? Am I really serious about starting to exercise again? Do I need support to get back on track? Who could do this best? When will I call her?

I often use this method of asking Switching questions and it's made an enormous difference in my life. Many readers and workshop participants say that asking Switching questions is a practical "how-to" that's been missing for them, that it's easy to remember and use, and that it's made a wonderful difference in their lives.

In this blog I'll be writing about how to apply Switching questions and the Choice Map to situations and questions you care about. I'll also share stories about ways that others have used this material so you can learn from them, too.

The invitation to write a blog for Experience Life is a very exciting opportunity for me: I've never had such an immediate and direct way to connect with readers -- to find out who you are, what you care about, and what you want that I may be able to help you with. I'm also looking forward to learning from you, so if you have any suggestions for this blog or any questions you'd like me to comment on, please ask!

You're also welcome to visit my Web site, www.InquiryInstitute.com, where you can get free downloads of the Choice Map, as well as the introduction to the second edition of Change Your Questions, Change Your Life.

See you next month!